I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
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Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Support your local cemetery
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell