Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.

The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

Her: “Men are creepy!”

Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

[creating eyelashes]

God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.

Angel: Alright.

God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.

Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

Stick it to the man

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.