Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller

her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband: