Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?

Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.

Oompa Loompa: We need a union…

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

Where’s my cell?

“Right there.”

That’s not my phone.

“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”

My cell’s white?

Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

No point crayon over spilled milk.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]