Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?

Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.

Husband of the year 😂

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party

Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt