I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
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I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
sometimes we need to be reminded
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)