Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?

PANCAKE

ok I need you to step out of the car

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”

-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

Human are so complicated

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?

Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.

Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad

The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?

Me: no, I’m Dad