I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
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*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
girls literally only want one thing..
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman