Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

nobody

literally nobody

my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.

Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing