Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.

i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there