Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends

This is my cat’s medicine.

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

Where’s my employee discount too?

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries

Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.