Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

🧠

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

You better watch out

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

[15 years ago]

Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana

[Now]

M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go