I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
This anagram machine is out of order.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.