Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.

Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.

*implements margarita Tuesdays*

I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

Spring of Deception

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*