I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
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all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I’m sorry…what?
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Important
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.