I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
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I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
But I really needed water water water
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.