Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”

[reading crime and punishment]

me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-

[ten pages later]

me: you’re not gonna believe this

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.

My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.

the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter

When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.