I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
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*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.