Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

The honesty is refreshing

*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Me: [gets coffee]

News: [election updates]

Me: [adds vodka to coffee]

{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking