I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
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Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶