Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”

Me: “Is there an elevator?”

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

Inside you there are two wolves

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.

I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time