Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”

HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

#merica

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

United Steaks of America

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers