I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
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Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.