Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex

BABY:

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?

I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”