Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

men, we mow at sunrise.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?

TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.