I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
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Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”
No, I’m at a desk reading your email.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
the three branches of government
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot