I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
definitely did not do anything wrong
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪