I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.