I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
You Might Also Like
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I basically called this earlier today
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
wait a minute….
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.