I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
The best plant holders?
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill