Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”

Sir. 😑

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”

me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok

christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks

just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”

I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

HR said no more nunchucks.

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.