Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.

Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

[Deathbed]

Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo

Frodo: yes Gandalf?

Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say

Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?

Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way

Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.

*first date*

Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!

Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.

Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.

Your honor these allegations are

Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”