Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

RIDDLER: riddle me this

TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*

Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”

Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

Become ungovernable.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so

MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff

Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.

*takes a nap

Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind

Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW