I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it