I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
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