Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

la cocaina

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.

[crashing my bike]

spin class instructor: how did you do that

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

DOCTOR: You should lose some weight

ME: Ok I’ll consider it

VET: Your dog should lose some weight

ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie:

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.