I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
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Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Nose
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”