Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.

Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.

My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

[Job Interview]

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.

Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.

Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.