Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Now, where’s the sport in that?

The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

succession but with mickey mouse and friends

drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: that’s my bandaid

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

I think I’m gonna be sick

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old