I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
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I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
North and South
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I have a new favorite meme page