Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office

Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

Childbirth is so beautiful

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

Above the law? I’m 5’3” tall, I’m barely above the counter.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!