I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
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It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”