Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

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Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.

Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.