I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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Oh, I bet you would be
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I cannot call her anything else now
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”