Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

guys are so hard to buy for

like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

rich people: i want to help

everyone: donate your money

rich people: if only there was something i could do

everyone: donate your money

rich people: some sort of gesture

everyone: donate. your. money.

rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!