I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
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Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.