Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

LOOOOOOL

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

[while titanic is sinking]

me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”

Love you Dad

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.