I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
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My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
definitely did not do anything wrong
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES