I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
You Might Also Like
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
😾
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
