Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Doug is just Canadian for dog

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

as the prophecy foretold

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.

car not found

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*