Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?

Women: no

TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people

Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

you learn something new every day oh god make it stop

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow

My grocery list.

1. Don’t run into anyone you know.

2. Eggs

When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!

Harry: *y’er

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.