Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.

Aladdin: I can show you the world

Jasmine: lets go to New York!

Aladdin: hold on

Jasmine: then London

Aladdin: wait

Jasmine: and then-

Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah

I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

me: I need a really lengthy snake

pet shop guy: how many feet?

me: none

tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

Netflix and awkward silence?

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”