I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.