I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Gods work.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
6: are snakes just neck?
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.