I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
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I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
they should invent a hydrating liquor
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.