Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

Me when my alarm goes off

i don’t miss calls i stare at them

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?

[text]

Me: on my way over

Friend: u okay?

M: my husband used the guest towels

F: OMG! i’ll open wine

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

feetloaf

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

me: [throws bouquet]

florist: are you gonna buy something

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.