Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches

baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements

me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?

baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse

HER: how about we just shave your back instead