Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.

Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

Fidel Castro was alive?

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.