I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
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If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[montage of me giving-up]
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
spot the difference
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
How is it still this week?
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.