I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
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Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Erm…
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.