Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.

My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.

“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you

“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.

I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

I made cookie dough 2 days ago and pre molded it into balls and froze them so I would be able to bake ONE cookie at a time AS NEEDED but so far I’ve just eaten 6 balls of cookie dough over a 2 day span

[blind date]

ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask

I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.