I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Sex so good you see dead people.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt