Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*

Me serving decaf

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

You’re the water to my grease fire.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

*shampoos & conditions hair

*rinses hair

*blowdries hair

*straightens hair

*spits toothpaste into hair

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom