I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
I love the honesty
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.