Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”

[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]

Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Him: The last couple of years have been tough.

Me: Tell me about it!

Him: Well, two years ago I…

Me: Don’t really, though.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas

Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:

– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pens

What year does he live in??

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.

– Respirational Tweet

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.

I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos