Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

wtf management?!

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Always a housemaid, never a house.

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

6YO: Can I eat a cookie?

Me: Finish your dinner first

6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball