I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
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me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
just pretend nothing happened