I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
A friend sent me this.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.