Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

6-year-old: Spill me some milk.

Me: You mean “pour.”

6: Not the way you do it.

If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind

Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994