Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

Can confirm.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup

In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.

Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.

I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

Mood.. 😂

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00