Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:

Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.

[getting murdered]

me: my computer has a virus, so u could say

[murdering pauses]

me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol

[murdering intensifies]

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts

the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown

Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

My husband is working from home and he’s still late.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.