Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”

I put her in my pocket and took her home.

She’s mine now.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.

He calls it “snackupuncture.”

Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

oh shit

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog

6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.