I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
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Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo