I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Damn he played himself
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
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Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.