I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
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A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!