Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.

ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess

ME: i sell human organs on the black market

JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”

29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.