Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

I love wikipedia

Me: How was school?

5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders

Me: what did you need to be reminded about?

5:

Me:

5: You don’t need to worry about that

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.

It’s an onion.

My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)