Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

I bet a dragon could defeat a unicorn. Unicorns are just pointy horses.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:

6lb11oz!

Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.