Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*

*grass dies due to lack of water*

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

🫡

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]

My cat: lol no

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”

haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!