Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed

ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back

Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied

If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.