I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
You Might Also Like
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder